Just Breathe
by stephanieflautist
Summary: "She didn't even know why she still did it. Maybe it was just a morbid need to punish herself for not being good enough. Be that as it may, she no longer knew how to stop, or even if she still could." Marley's struggles with life, school and the more complicated stuff. Jarley, Ryley and a bit of Kitty.
1. Of Sorrow

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_"Life is sorrow, overcome it." - Mother Teresa_

It was silent in the bathroom save for Marley's slow breathing. She sat legs spread out on the blue tiled floor, leaning against the wall. The room was small enough so that her breaths echoed against the walls. She had been listening closely as her harsh pants slowed down and she could finally breathe normally again.

Even though her mother was in a deep sleep across the hall, Marley always felt on edge when she made herself sick. The thought that Mrs. Rose could walk in at any moment and see what her daughter was doing to herself was enough to send her into complete terror. She could only imagine what would happen if anyone found out. The humiliation, the guilt, maybe they would even send her to one of those hospitals where the girls are force fed and aren't allowed to go to the bathroom by themselves.

Marley couldn't think of anything worse. They would make her _stop._ And then this pain would have all been for nothing. She'd set so many goals for herself and achieved them all. At the start of this, when Kitty had shown her what she needed to do, Marley had weighed 126 pounds. Her goal was to get down to 120, which she did, then 110 and then finally to under 100. During this period, she'd resorted to only eating one meal a day (dinner to appease her mom and purging it right out). Her weight was now 97 pounds. She'd surpassed all of her expectations, yet there was no pleasure in it.

She didn't even know why she still did it. Maybe it was just a morbid need to punish herself for not being good enough. Not thin enough, not pretty enough, never _enough_. It had become all too apparent to Marley that this would never change. Why not stop the charade already? God knew she wasn't fooling anyone. Be that as it may though, she no longer knew how to stop, or even if she still could.


	2. Of Struggle

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_"Life is a struggle, accept it." - Mother Teresa_

Days, weeks, months had passed since Grease. Marley couldn't remember how long this had been going on for now. She felt weak and hungry all the time. Everyday she debated with herself between getting help and carrying on as she was. Even something as simple as going to school everyday, walking to lessons, carrying her books around drained her.

Closing her locker, she heard a familiar voice say, "Hey" from behind her. She did her best to put a smile on her face and turned to greet Ryder.

He gave her a kiss on the cheek. Though they weren't actually dating, they had been dancing around the subject for some time now. "So," he drawled out, "I was thinking we could go out tonight? Maybe that nice place Breadsticks, we could have our first official date?" Inwardly she cringed. He sounded so sweet and she didn't want to let him down. The thought of pushing around food on her plate all night that he'd payed more than a bit of money for though made her sick.

She would just have to make some trips to the bathroom. "Yeah sure, that sounds great," she tried to say convincing. From the big, goofy smile that appeared on his face, Marley guessed that he didn't pick up on her lack of enthusiasm.

"Cool," he said. "Anyway, I've got to get to class but I'll see you in Glee Club later." He gave her another kiss before disappearing through the halls. She readjusted the books in her hand and looked up to see Jake at his locker across from her. He averted his eyes quickly but she could have sworn that he'd been staring at them.

He didn't like Ryder, she knew that. She just didn't know why. A naive, hopeful part of her said it was because he was jealous. She pushed that part down. Why would a guy like Jake be interested in her in that way?

Walking towards him, she waited until she was right in front of him and said brightly, "Hey, stranger. I haven't seen much of you lately."

"Yeah," he smiled at her, "I've been a bit busy, you know?" Before she had a chance to respond he asked, "So the Big Lug's taking you out, huh? Sounds fun," he added sarcastically.

"His name is Ryder, Jake," she tried to say sternly but couldn't help but grin. He was so cute. "You know, he's not so bad once you get to know him."

"Yeah. Im sure," he said like he highly doubted it. "But hey," he added. "There's this song I've been working on and I really wanted to show it to the Glee Club. I was thinking maybe we could hang out tonight and you could help me?" Unlike when Ryder had asked, she didn't have to force her smile. Before it even occurred to her that she already had plans, she was saying, "of course. I'd love to."

His answering smile was almost shy, like he hadn't expected her to say yes. "Uh great, I'll text you the details." he said. "Let me walk you to class?"

"Sure."

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To say that Marley was relieved not to be going out with Ryder tonight would be putting it lightly. It wasn't that she didn't like him. He was really sweet and funny. He was one of the first guys to even pay attention to her but she didn't really see him that way. She didn't pretend that the fact that he'd found out her secret during Grease didn't contribute to her relief. She'd promised him after that it had been a one time thing. She was stressed and upset and letting Kitty get to her. She was almost one hundred percent sure that he'd believed her. If he saw her pushing around her food all night and not actually eating it; or making several trips to the bathroom then... Well he wasn't an idiot. He'd know what she was doing, that she'd been lying for months. She really cared about him as a friend and she didn't want to upset him.

She watched Ryder coming down the halls towards her and sighed not wanting to do what she was about to. "Hey," she said once he was within ear shot. "Can we talk?"

"Yeah. Of course we can," he responded carefully. "What's up?"

He was watching her with an odd look in his eyes, as if he sensed what was coming. She just couldn't pretend she felt something she didn't anymore, "look," she started. "I don't think we should go out tonight."

"Oh. Um sure, if you're not up to it." She knew she was stalling, she had to be more specific. "Or at all." She added lamely, "I mean... yeah."

He was quiet for a while, the silence was painfully awkward. Finally he seemed to find the words, "this is about Jake, isn't it?" She tried to come up with a lie, something to spare his feelings. He saved her the chance, "Whatever, just forget it."

As he walked off, Marley though to herself that that was much easier than she thought it would be. Maybe he hadn't really liked her that much to begin with.

"Ooh, harsh," Kitty was suddenly in front of her. "Didn't think you had it in you, Tubbles. You really broke his heart like your glutinous booty breaks a park bench," she drew out distastefully, looking her up and down. All the sudden Marley felt self conscious. She hugged herself and looked away, feeling all too aware of the four pounds she'd put on in the past week.

"Why," she tried to spit out but her throat felt so dry. Kitty was staring her down, waiting to see whatever pathetic comeback Marley had to offer. "Why are you so _mean?_" It wasn't much of a response but it was all she had. She didn't understand what she'd done to deserve this.

"I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking," she said as if she was offended. "Lying's a sin, you know," she smiled but it was a cold one, as if she was choosing her words carefully, sizing up how best to hurt her.

Once she was gone, Marley let out a breath she hadn't even known that she was holding. All at once she had the urge to puke out everything she'd eaten in the past week. All of the crackers, a few too many bites of her apple or those cubes of cheese she'd eaten in moments of weakness. The bell rang, it was time for Glee Club. She set off towards the girl's bathroom. She checked all of the stalls to make sure no one was still there. Once she was certain there wasn't, she dropped onto her knees in front of the nearest toilet. She pulled back her hair with one hand and with the other, stuck two fingers as far as they would go down her throat. It wasn't enough though. She hadn't eaten yet today and all that came up was clear liquid.

She willed her body to get everything out, there must still be something. With all the strength she had, Marley shoved her fingers down harder and gagged so much it hurt. This time something more came out. "Oh, God," she breathed, looking down into the bowl, observing the latest way that her body had betrayed her. The tears started to come now. She was so tired and this wasn't working the way she wanted. Why was it so _easy_ for everyone else? They didn't have to constantly worry about their weight. They could eat what they wanted, didn't have to count calories. They didn't have to suffer through hunger pains that made them so dizzy and sick that they thought they might pass out. They didn't have to stick their fingers down their throat to be beautiful.

She sat back and let the tears flow freely, wondering how it had come to this. She'd gotten something out all right. But it wasn't clear and it certainly wasn't food.

It was blood.

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**A/N: Thank you so much to the people who have reviewed, favourited and followed this story. I didn't expect to get much response from this.**


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